What is Radical Acceptance? And How Can I Use It?

When life gets challenging, it can seem like there’s nothing we can do. We feel overwhelmed and at a loss. We can slip into states of denial. And struggle to accept our reality. This can make moving forward more difficult.

There is a practice, though, that can help us face reality and feel more in control. It’s called radical acceptance.

What is radical acceptance?

Radical acceptance is the complete and total acknowledgment of reality.

It asks that we:

• Balance expectations with reality. We accept reality. But we don’t force ourselves to feel great about it.
• Focus on what we can control. Namely our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
• Let go of things we can’t control. For example, other people’s actions, the weather, and layoffs.

Of course, radical acceptance can be challenging when we feel we should be able to change things. It’s common to take on unwarranted blame. We think: If only I’d tried something else, I could’ve improved the situation.

But radical acceptance means, well, accepting how things really are. Then deciding what actions we can take to feel better.

What radical acceptance isn’t

Radical acceptance requires us to accept our current situation. But it doesn’t necessarily mean:

• We agree with what’s happening
• We approve of what’s happening
• We give up
• We settle for less
• We sacrifice our values

Consider this example: You attend a birthday party for your brother. When it’s time to cut the cake, your mom comments on your weight before serving you. She has a history of doing this. And you’ve already asked her multiple times not to talk about weight around you.

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean that you say, “Oh, I agree. I’ve gained weight. I shouldn’t have any cake.” It also doesn’t mean that you leave the party.

Instead, you accept that your mom isn’t going to change. Then you go from there. Maybe you speak to her privately and reinforce your boundaries. Or you ignore her. Either way, you accept that you can’t control your mom. You can only control how you react to her.

The benefits of radical acceptance

Radical acceptance is a coping skill that gives us permission to stop struggling. It asks that we focus on what works and stay grounded in the present. As a result, it can help:

• Reduce stress. Radical acceptance allows you to move past the hurt and figure out a solution without beating yourself up for something out of your control.
• Minimize perfectionism. Radical acceptance is an opportunity to give up the struggle to make things perfect.
• Increase empathy. When we accept and release difficult feelings, we can make space to connect with others and strengthen relationships.
• Boost self-compassion. Radical acceptance helps free us from the burden of changing things outside our control. It allows us to focus on finding healthier ways to cope.

How to practice radical acceptance

Ready to start using this coping skill? Here’s how to do it in 3 steps.

Step 1: Identify what you’re struggling with

Write down the answers to the following questions on a piece of paper. You can also use the Freewrite Journal in your AbleTo program.

• What’s a situation I feel challenged by? Or that feels impossible to deal with?
• What do I need to accept? What am I fighting against?
• What clues show me that I’m not accepting this situation? Think about any thoughts, feelings, or behaviors you notice when this challenging situation occurs. For instance, perhaps you responded to the party situation by thinking, “My mom doesn’t love me.” Or, maybe you blamed yourself and turned to unhealthy coping strategies, such as abusing drugs or alcohol.

Step 2: Practice acceptance

Once you’ve identified a situation you’ve been struggling with, you’re ready to start accepting it. For each of the steps below, write down how you’ll accomplish each one. We’ve provided some examples.

Acknowledge the painful emotions that can accompany acceptance
When my mom comments on my weight I feel angry. It’s hurtful and embarrassing. I feel like she doesn’t accept me. And that I’m not good enough.

Practice accepting the situation with your entire mind, body, and heart
I accept that my mom may not have the capacity or willingness to change. Her thoughts on weight may be a product of how she was raised.

Behave as if you already accepted reality
I will ignore my mom when she comments on my weight.

Practice coping ahead of time
Before visiting my mom, I will listen to a guided meditation about loving kindness to help center myself.

When to avoid radical acceptance

Radical acceptance is a powerful skill. But it’s not an appropriate response to every situation. For instance, you should never accept a situation that puts your mental, emotional, physical, or financial health at risk. These situations include:

• Harassment or discrimination
• Intimate partner violence
• A toxic work environment
• Being taken advantage of

Level up your coping skills

Practicing radical acceptance can help us manage some of life’s challenges. The next time you feel yourself becoming frustrated, accept what you’re unable to change. Then, turn inward and ask yourself what you can. Let the rest go.